Day 96

May has not been merry. Half the days have been flat or close to it. A few have been good and OK. I want anticipation and joy. I want to wake up and jump out of bed because I’m alive and well and another day is waiting to be enjoyed. What do I have to do to get that back? Patience. Not my best trait. It took years to get in this condition and I want it over now. 

Day 95

The walk yesterday morning was not fun. It was a chore. On the way back from the beachfront, I had to give myself pep talks at every block. The rest of the day was a snooze. Really, a snooze in my chair until I finally got real and went to bed. Not much better this morning and the senior news will be on the porch in an hour. I may get some distributed today. Some may wait until Monday.

Day 94

 I want to finish yard work and cleaning the back deck enclosure. The guys did a good job of removing the vines without damage. It was better than I expected. Might get on to the chapter about nature. I’m already a student of weather, tides, seasons, and beauty. I call my place postcardville. Any direction I look is worthy of memorializing. The weeding prompt was timely and it’s an ongoing constant process both externally and internally. Change is happening.

Day 93

Museum day. A damp walk will happen first. The restlessness is calling out for a project or new connection. My antennae are waving ready to hone in on a fun and useful place to fit with my time, energy, skills, and readiness to learn. I admit to being a student every day. I’ll have the camera in my pocket on the walk. I’m glad Chris suggested adding photos of daily life to this blog. There are always interesting views.

Day 92

Progress in the little yard. Joe is coming to untangle the vine that has overtaken the back deck enclosure. Once it’s gone, I can clean out the cobwebs and have another space without unwanted growth. I’m short on go-power this morning. Waiting for the coffee to kick in. Sometimes my body does not get the memo about the list in my mind. It’s been one year since the final blood donation. I had hoped for more restoration by now.

Day 91

There were skirts at church, some long ones. I have long skirts that I love to wear and there I was in shirt and jeans, again. Today the weeding will move to dresser drawers where lurk long neglected choices. I have lovely colorful items that would like to get in the air. There are also items that honesty will reveal  will not be used and moving them on is the best option. I'll make room for new fun clothing.

Day 90

Still journaling the weeding prompt. It’s amazing how many parts of life can use the metaphor and the subsequent empty spot. When I look at the yard, I see weeds already trying to regrow because I hadn’t planned a replacement. The closet weeding wasn’t successful either. I like those clothes from the past. Maybe what I need is a lifestyle that includes a dress code above jeans and a shirt. Weeding has stirred up my desire for personal progress.

Day 89

And I get to do it again. Certainly an upswing in mood thanks to increased physical energy. I have dragged myself along for so many years that each tiny increment is monumental. After orchid baths, I’ll get the floors swept. By then maybe the sun will come out and I can work on the last bit of the north side. Next project is getting rid of the weed piles I have created. Might hire a truck to the dump.

Day 88

Some of the backed up words found a way onto paper yesterday and it felt good. The subject was “weeding” and since I have been busy with that activity outside, it was time to do an internal sorting and deleting too. Made choices about how I use my time and energy. I want progress in health and personal satisfaction. Walking in the morning certainly clears my mind. When I come home I am ready to make the day fulfilling.

Day 87

I did 10K+ steps yesterday and will be out this morning. No specific agenda today. A new book, “Cultivating your creative life”, came in the mail and I’m hoping it will activate my curiosity and point a direction toward new interests. It’s been so long since I had that wonderful feeling that comes when materials, interest, motivation, and focus all create timeless moments of engagement. I want to get there again. Sometimes writing is like that too. Now please.

Day 86

Yesterday was one of those days that I thought I knew what was going on and no, that wasn’t what was happening. Sarah had to take care of Rylan and changed the appointment to Saturday. I did get an early walk before the wind started. The rest of the day was flat. After a number of good energy days, I was out of gas. One of those days when nothing jumped up and wanted my attention. Wasn’t even restless.

Day 85

Lunch at Thai House and a tour of the beach before Julia brought me home. It was a good day. Lots of thoughts and conversations about the senior center duty. I will ask for one day only. If that doesn’t work, I may just quit at least until my ferritin level reaches 100. Today I want to get back to the half hour of weeding before I see Sarah for a massage. She does a good job for me.

Day 84

Today begins with taking the girls to the dog wash. While they are being coifed, I will go to Wally’s for a short list. There is a misty shower outside and I want the new trees to get wet down deep. They have been here for a week and I want them to thrive here. Later, I will meet Julia for lunch and a visit at her house. Maybe she will walk home with me and visit my house.

Dy 83

I want something different after church. The mild spring rain has made the air clear and fragrant. I’ll get an early walk and then break routine with a new idea. Maybe a phone call to make  plans for lunch or a movie. My energy is restless and I want to move and take the day off from weeding. What do I want for future activities? I want engagement and motivation. Where will I find it? It’s time to look.

Day 82

I’m enjoying not going to the senior center. Maybe it’s time to retire from there. When people start being a chore instead of interesting, that’s a big message. It reminds me of when Hollie decided to retire for the same reasons. Today, more yard work. I’ll get busy on the north side. I haven’t cleaned it for a couple of years. It feels so good to have both interest and the energy to follow through. I am getting healthier.

Selfie with weeds.

Day 81

Today is shopping early for fresh food to stock the refrigerator. Then a project I have put off for months – cleaning the garage. I may even clean out the car! The half-hour of weeding comes first. I want the little yard completely done for now and a promise to keep it that way. Joe will come and cut down the vine that is growing into the back porch. There will be more light in the little house without it. 

Day 80

I like writing “good day” or “OK day” as opposed to so many that say “flat, blah” and today will be another good one. I will do the half hour of weed pulling early, make calls to get a couple of maintenance chores taken care of, catch up in my paper journal, walk, maybe take the girls too. Enjoy the day off from the senior center and ask for a couple more weeks off. It’s good to break routine.

Day 79

79^th day of my 79^th year. So far no stellar reviews but lots of time left. Kim died two years ago and I still feel his presence although not as often. Della tells me when he is here by alerting and jumping into an empty chair. Kim was my hero with his brave way of living with his disabilities without blaming or complaining. Today I will pull another pile of weeds, walk, and do museum duty. I want more.

Day 78

        

Started the day with a migraine. Then the relief from the imitrex injection. I wish I knew how to prevent them. Yesterday was great. J street journal group was intimate with sharing about mothers and meaningful conversation. Chuck and Hollie brought and planted two Asian pear trees in the little yard and many weeds were dispatched. I need to do a half hour a day until the yard and north side are clean. Today I want a good walk.

Day 77

Woke up feeling better, no visual disturbance and mild headache. Oh golly what is it going to take to get back to a level of energy that lets me move? It’s been two weeks of flat days.  Fr. David prayed for me to regain health. Barb called. She had a transformative dream in which I played a part. I was glad to be a supportive part in her process. Her tears were witness to spirit moving her toward wholeness. 

Day 76

I’m appreciating the way my mother made homes for us in my first decade. Our existence had us living in hotels, auto courts, seedy apartments, and nice places just before we moved again. Wherever we were was home. I have no feelings of deprivation because of rootlessness as the roots traveled with us. All the school changes were difficult. Twelve schools by the time I finished fourth grade in Eureka. Made me sensitive to new kids as a teacher.

Day 75

We had a pleasant day. I value the times we have to play now. I did enjoy helping her out at school but honestly don’t miss it at all. Today, after I water the orchids, I will write the June column. It formed in my mind in that middle place between still sleep and waking up. I like the way my mind works. I put in the theme and wait awhile and shazam there is the piece all ready.

Day 74

And I’m taking a break for at least a week. When I walked in yesterday, I just didn’t want to be there. I walked out thanks to Robert who offered to do the desk duty. His was the first support I have experienced. I know I have minimized my health condition and allowed others to think I am stronger than I really am. So I will stay away for a while and regain reserves. Today, recreational shopping with Hollie.

Day 73

I wonder where dreams come from! Startled awake by busy scenarios that won’t stay still long enough for me to know what is happening. My awake time can be just like that. Today I’ll decide if I need a break from the senior center. I am sorely tempted to take a couple of weeks at least. It was not a safe place on Monday. There were others who felt lost in the wild activity. I don’t need the aggravation.

Day 72

The Monday mayhem tainted Tuesday. Karen’s massage helped my body to shake loose of the fatigue and tension. Today the regular season at the museum begins and I will be there from 10 to 1. Someday I will be able to put in more than three hours of activity but for now, that’s the energy budget and I do well to stay within it. I will walk today. Maybe I will stop for Mexican food on the way home.

Day 71

Yesterday was a nightmare: too many people, too much noise, too many angry voices and tattling like a bunch of second graders. I wanted to run outside and get fresh air. Came home exhausted and flat for the rest of the day. I need a vacation from the senior center. Judy called and brought up the horror story of Kim's Suzanne. She said she wanted to tell the whole story and then couldn’t do it. It wrecked my sleep.

Day 70

Sandi came to straighten up the guest house. She enjoyed her stay and it did help with resting more. We pulled weeds in the yard and talked. We have been friends for 40 years or so and have had adventures and writing trips. There may still be time for more of those when we both get healthy and she retires. It’s Cinco de Mayo so yummy taco salad for lunch at the senior center. Maybe a brief shopping trip. 

Day 69

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Wet warm Sunday morning. Yesterday was sports watching day: Kentucky Derby won by CA Chrome, Giants vs Braves won by SF and part of the Clippers game. Didn’t watch to the finish. Sandi moved out of the guest house. I will miss knowing she is there. I hope helped her health and well-being. After attending church, I have no plans but it will be something besides sitting in front of the TV. Who can I call for some fun?

Day 68

No, I did not take the low road and wallow. I stepped out and distributed Senior News, all 400 copies around the community. There are always people to greet and quick catch up conversations. Hollie and Denise were at Kid Town with some of Denise’s students. That was an unexpected treat. It is a volunteer duty that I enjoy and I like doing it early in the day. Today the orchids will get watered. I’m hoping for a walk.

Day 67

Tonda called with the new ferritin score and I was disappointed. Only 47. Still in the danger zone. I’m not sure I will live long enough to correct the problem I caused by donating blood too often. Nutrition and exercise are not enough. I’ll be good and take the awful iron supplement at least every other day and add meat a couple times a week. I wanted to have a tantrum and might as well gorge on junk food. 

Day 66

It was 90 yesterday and will be hot again today. I don’t enjoy the heat. Makes me melt into a puddle of nothing. The party yesterday was fun. I visited with Trish and Katie and that’s always a good thing. Barbara Clark called. We had a long catch up conversation. She is one of the many prizes for volunteering. It works when a connection forms with time to develop personal interests. I’m not looking forward to another hot day.

May senior news column

Even when Mother was into her nineties, even when she lost track of daily activities like what she had for lunch, she could sing all the words to Alexander’s Rag Time Band and Barney Google with his Goo Goo Googley eyes. Mother loved music and the highlight of her week at the residence where she lived out her life was the appearance of the “piano man”. He came and she wheeled herself up close and hummed along, keeping time by tapping her fingers. He played oldies that she enjoyed especially songs like ‘Let me call you sweetheart” and hymns like “Morning has Broken”. When she recognized the tune her face would turn pink and her posture would straighten with attention and enjoyment and happy memories of her young days. I have great regard for those who bring their talents to residences where such stimulation may not happen often.

Here in Crescent City we have a traveling group who call themselves “The Boondock Band.” There are between four and eight members depending on work schedules and they regularly visit the Senior Center, assisted living facilities, convalescent homes and are often featured at public events like Art Walks. The instruments vary, autoharp, mandolin, guitar, and voices that sing with vigor the folk songs, oldies, and familiar tunes that encourage singing along. Our long tall Texan sings a song with that name that brings laughter to all. Sometimes they march around singing “When the Saints Go Marching In”, inviting the residents to march and sing with them. Visitors and staff members enjoy the music too.

A couple of years ago my granddaughter, Megan, collected songs about mothers to create a CD as a Mother’s Day gift. She found many sentimental songs dating back years as mothers have been serenaded forever. Her favorites were current melodies devoted to mothers that included “In My Daughter’s Eyes” and “I Hope You Dance”. Both songs brought tears to her mother, Hollie, and she turned to me and said “Ditto” from her heart. Who wouldn’t feel emotional if they heard, “In my daughter’s eyes I am a hero. I am strong and wise and I know no fear. But the truth is plain to see. She was sent to rescue me. I see who I want to be in my daughter’s eyes.”

I can still picture my mother and the simple pleasure that music brought her at a time when pleasures were few.